For many years I’ve been a people pleaser, like a true “I’ll pay the price” people pleaser. What do I mean by that, you ask. Simple. I have lost so much of my true self trying to make sure those around me are happy and agree with the things I say/do.

I’ve been married for almost 4 years now and it is still taking my husband time to help me re-wire my brain away from people pleasing. Now, I’m not saying go out and make everyone mad with what you say and do but I am saying that you shouldn’t walk away from a conversation hating yourself or being mad at yourself for not sticking to your true self. I can honestly say that there is not a single relationship in my life where I haven’t been a people pleaser. I went to parties to make someone else happy, I didn’t say my own thoughts in conversations in order to make sure the people I was talking to still wanted to talk to me (yes, I thought if I had a different opinion the person would just stop talking to me), I’ve stayed in situations that made me feel incredibly uncomfortable because I didn’t want to be a burden to people, the list goes on and on.

Some signs of people pleasers that I’ve learned are:

• You pretend to agree with everyone-Like I said, I’ve done this so the other party will like me, the problem was I stopped liking myself.
• You feel responsible for how others feel-This leaves you feeling like you’ve failed if the others aren’t happy but the truth is you are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.
• You apologize often-This one is me 100%. I apologize all the time (just ask my husband). I often feel like others are blaming me or I’ve said something that’s upset them.
• You can’t say no-This one. This one hits the deepest for me. I frequently find myself wanting to say no but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve said yes so many times when I want to say no because I feel like someone will be mad at me for saying no or like I’ll be disappointing someone by saying no.
• You feel uncomfortable if someone is mad at you-If I know someone is mad at me I do everything I can think of to fix it and if I can’t there have been times when I have physically got sick over it or it’s sent me to a very bad mental and emotional place.
• You act like the people around you-This has been going on most of my life. My dad once told me that I was a “chameleon”, I was probably around the age of 12 when that happened.
• You need praise to feel good-Every time I’ve done something (good grades, thrown a good party, done something nice, etc) I’ve searched for praise from someone. If I didn’t get the praise I felt like whatever it was that I’d done wasn’t good enough.
• You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt-This is another big one for me. Honestly, this is also one of the hardest things for me. There are things from years past that still affect me to this day. Things that, in my opinion, others would think were small and insignificant but to me are huge. Things like the wording someone used when I wasn’t included in an outing, a funny nickname someone called me, and on and on.

As I said before, it is taking me years to become myself. It is still an ongoing process. I’ve made steps towards being more true to myself but I am nowhere near who I’d like to be. I’ve started saying “no” to things and, let me tell you, the feeling of saying that when I want to is so amazing. I can’t explain how many times feeling forced to say yes has made me lose sleep and lose my appetite so feeling free enough to say no is life changing. I do have to say that none of this personal growth would be possible without my husband being so supportive. I know how hard it is for him sometimes. He is the type of person who says no when he wants, doesn’t waiver from his opinion to make others happy, and yet does it all with class so seeing me struggle is a type of hardship for him.

I’ve learned that by doing many of the things I’ve done, while people pleasing, has lead me to not know who I am. For most of my life I didn’t have a true identity, I was whoever someone else needed me to be. I even accepted a marriage proposal, when I knew I shouldn’t have, because it was what many others wanted me to do (don’t worry, it wasn’t my husband’s proposal). Fortunately, I am slowly learning who I am and who I want to be (it takes some time to re-wire a person who’s been wired a certain way for over 20 years). If you are a people pleaser but you don’t have the amazing support I do, I suggest seeking out a therapist. Therapy is such a great useful underrated tool for anyone.

Above all, I urge you to find out who you truly are. Everyone has the potential to do amazing things but if we spend all our time trying to make others happy we will never know what our amazing thing is! I can tell you the cost of not being you is much higher than the cost of someone being upset with you.